May 05, 2015

last post

It's been forever since I posted. Apologies. I probably won't post here anymore. Life's keeping me busy.

But since this will probably be my last post on this blog, I should let it all out. This post is basically for you. I want you to know that I don't care anymore.

I made the mistake of assuming you were nice enough. Maybe you are, but you stopped showing me that side of you. I don't know what to say. I wish we could've been friends. We were. It would be stupid to pretend that we are now. I tried pretty hard, you know. But all I got were a few monosyllables followed by silence.

You get to this point where you know it's not worth it and you let it go. Probably the best decision I ever made.

Also, new people in my life who make me happy. So much love. <3 p="">

October 02, 2014

Took me close to three years (and countless tears and tantrums and what not) to realize that you're not worth it.

I could say so many things but does it even matter any more? I'm going my way, and you go yours. Finito.

A big big big hug to M, without whom I'd probably still be delusional.
Life's looking good now.

May 31, 2014

Just like I'd do so on any other morning, I opened my email inbox, and began to feel the familiar mix of trepidation and excitement well up somewhere in the depths of my stomach. I quickly scanned the list of unread emails, ignoring the spam, pausing for a split second at the one reminding me to renew my library subscription...and there it was, the one I'd been waiting for. I opened it quickly. I was hopeful, but my hope quickly gave way to disappointment as I read the text, in Gmail's clean, unimaginative, no-frills formatting.
 "Dear Anuradha,
 Thank you for your interest in my work. I'm sorry but we do not have any positions available currently..."


The last few months have turned into a gigantic exercise in sending emails for me. I stalk the people I'd like to work with, online. I spend hours poring over my CV, wondering whether to change this and that, or if the formatting I've used looks good enough. I keep typing out email after email and wait forever for a response, and when I do get a response it's usually disappointing. And then I sit down and swap stories with the bestfriend (who has been amazing, as always, in dealing with my meltdowns and existential crises. Woman, I owe you all the coffee in CCD.) Sigh. Internships seem to be way too competitive. 

May 25, 2014


It hasn't sunk in yet. Two semesters and I shall be leaving behind a bunch of amazing people and moving on like nothing ever happened. Well, not quite. I can't just forget about people whom I've loved and laughed with and cried with for years and who've stood by me even when I'm putting on my worst behaviour. There are plenty of ways to stay in touch but it'll never be the same.

Also, moving on to a different world is always scary.

The last two months have taught me so much. I miss the good old days, but sometimes, it does you good to kick a few things out of your life.

Yes, I changed the template. I figured it was about time.

February 23, 2014

No one likes impasses.

December 10, 2013

Winter Musings

Some days are simply amazing. Some days leave me teary and brooding over silly things. Some days are so busy that I don't have the time to think about those silly things.

I wish these silly things could be brought to a logical end.

It's really funny how some people can change your life and the way you see the world. It's also really funny how we hold on so hard to them when they begin to slip away. Because at some point, they all must go away, right?

Life is strange. I'm not even sure of what I want from it anymore.

August 31, 2013

You think everything is beginning to fit together so wonderfully, but one day, you realize the last piece of the puzzle is missing.

August 04, 2013

It hasn't stopped raining yet. The world around me is cold and wet, the air damp, I've been ill several times in the last two weeks, but I still love it. Because the world around me is incredibly green, even if the sky is a dreary grey. I love everything. I love how I have to curl up under a thick blanket every night, walk around with soaking wet feet all day. I love sipping hot tea every evening. I love the hour-and-a-half that I spend relaxing with a book nearly every day. I love the still silence of the night, the music streaming into my ears through my headphones, the feel of warm socks on my feet. I've even learnt to love insomnia and sleep-deprivation. There's still something missing, a void that I cannot fill with the things I love. But that's okay. I still love everything.

July 23, 2013

The worst thing about having a sibling who's nearly a decade younger than you? While you flail about, trying to make important life decisions, you realize that the three most important things in his life are watching enough TV, playing football and getting decent grades.

I want his life.

May 07, 2013

If I've worked really hard on something, I expect at least a tiny bit of appreciation for it, like any sane person would. If I don't get any, how am I supposed to get the motivation to carry on?

Is it too much to ask for?

May 01, 2013

Apparently, I am a danger to other women.

A country like India is never free from mind-boggling problems with no apparent solutions. Now, this very minute, the only thing every woman living here cares about is her (questionable) safety from the surprising number of rapists, molesters, murderers and acid-throwers who freely roam the streets by night, day, and at all other times. Not surprising, given the recent spate in brutal rape cases that make us want to give up reading the morning paper altogether. But life goes on, you know? We can't give up on our education, on our jobs, on our lives, we try to push this fear to the recesses of our minds and pretend we're all right. That is, until we're reminded of the danger of being attacked.

It started out as a simple status update by a friend. She wanted to speak out against rape. All was well, until he started commenting. Let's call him AS. I have no idea who he is, but his comments made me want to break everything on my desk. He proceeded to present his views on rape. Let me tell you what they were.

According to this person, rape is a WOMAN'S fault. Why? Because "women these days dress inappropriately." This person said rape is human nature, and men cannot control their sexual urges. He also claimed to be quoting from religious books. He compared women to money and food, according to him, that is why women should be "kept hidden", and if women believe in religion they should cover up. If they don't, he says they don't deserve respect.

I HAD to try and drill sense into this misogynist's head. First of all, he blames women for rape, and think's it's justified if a woman is dressed "inappropriately". How does one even think of something as messed up as that? HOW can you justify a crime as heinous as rape? And HOW is rape justified simply because men have sexual urges? Don't women have them too? Do we throw ourselves at every man we encounter?

Why is he even bringing religion into this? I may not be a religious expert, but I do not think any religion encourages rape. And, if, as he says, "people must believe in religion", then men shouldn't even think of rape. I think I am correct if I say that all faiths teach us to respect our women.

I said so many things to him, thinking I could change his mindset, even if it was only by a tiny fraction of an inch.

Instead, I was called an atheist, because I told him a woman can wear what she wants to and that should not be used as an excuse for rape. I don't have anything against atheists, but evidently he does, and thinks I don't deserve respect because I said those things. I have nothing against women who want to cover up, nor against those who don't, it's their personal choice, but how can one use a woman's way of dressing to justify rape? No, no, these men see us as one of those women with so-called "loose morals". By the way, that's another excuse for them to rape, because we don't deserve respect if we think like this. And after that? I was told women like me are a danger to other women and it's our fault there are so many attacks on women.

Mr AS disgusts me. He is the embodiment of millions of men in this country. For them, we're  mere commodities, objects of pleasure, and baby-making factories. If we speak out, or try to assert ourselves using any of the few ways available to us, we're attacked. Physically, verbally, mentally. One or all of the three. Those of you living in the so-called third world would understand how and why I thank God several times over when I pray, for giving me access to education and opportunities, two things that millions of my Indian sisters are denied. Men like AS believe women can't be respected if they speak out. And he is educated. Clearly, education doesn't guarantee anything in this country.

I am not a danger to women, men like him are. This is a country where the victims are blamed for rape. Where the victims hang their heads in shame and are social outcasts, not the rapists themselves. Where women like me who try to drill some sense into the heads of these chauvinists are blamed for rape.

I'm pretty patriotic, but right now, I am ashamed of belonging to a place where people think like this.

April 23, 2013

Being happy again.

March 24, 2013

I cried last week.

I don't cry unless I'm compelled to. And then I never cry in public. I don't know why, but some part of me probably perceives it as a sign of weakness.

So I cried last week, and when I did, I was lying in bed, crying silently into my pillow, so that I wouldn't wake up the rest of the house.

I don't particularly enjoy crying, but it's useful, sometimes. When I cry because I'm stressed out and have too much to do, I let the tears fall and sob and sob and sob until there's nothing left to cry about anymore. At the end of it all, I feel slightly better.

But when I cried last week, it wasn't stress. I can handle stress. I might complain and cry and feel exhausted at the end of it all, but I can still handle it. I cried because I had emotions. I felt them and they were overpowering, and I don't handle emotions very well. I didn't cry uncontrollably. I cried a little and stopped and cried again, because I kept telling myself that I needn't let those emotions get the better of me.

I've been crying easily lately, but I suppose that's what happens if you spend six-maybe-seven months feeling slightly sad.

I have a feeling I'm close to hitting what they call 'rock-bottom'.

March 11, 2013

I'm done.
If I've hurt your feelings, I'm sorry.

January 02, 2013

Happy new year!

2012 started out fine. It changed colours somewhere along the way. It's been a rough year. Here's to hoping that the new one will treat me better.

Happy new year, fellow bloggers :)